Feeling lonely in a crowd

When we posted last week’s blog, I almost immediately had a message from a dear friend asking if I was ok.   She even suggested “I will get on a plane, kidding….not kidding”.  I have known this friend for almost 4 decades now and while we live far apart and see each other rarely, the years and distance melt away when needed.

Those kinds of friendships are rare, they are to be treasured and I have to count myself fortunate to have more than one of them. However, even these wonderful friendships have not always been able to mitigate my loneliness.

I have regularly seen a therapist over the past decade, not only to deal with my depression but just the regular ups and downs of life.  One of the areas we often talk about is loneliness.  It is something that I feel profoundly from time to time.

For those of you who don’t know I am divorced.  It has been over a decade and since then I have had relationships but none that have stuck and a few that may have done more harm than good.  Let me clarify, I have never been in an abusive relationship but I have stayed with someone who wasn’t the right fit because I was trying to stave off that loneliness.  Man, there where some doozies out there, but I digress (I will save this for a later post on the joys of dating in your 40s).  Staying in these relationships actually made me even lonelier.  I felt it even in my marriage.  I don’t think it is unique to feel this way, but I don’t think we are willing to talk about it as openly as other issues.

I have come to realize that there have been times when I have let my loneliness isolate me.  Counterproductive I know, but there you have it.  Recent research at York University indicated that not only is loneliness impacting mental health but also physical health. “Beyond causing heightened rates of depression, anxiety and irritability, loneliness is now being associated with potentially life-shortening health issues such as higher blood pressure, heart disease and obesity.”

In my case I have seen it impact my weight.  That isolation I talked about earlier has led to a marked decrease in my physical activity leading to weight gain, leading to further isolation.  A bit of a vicious circle.  Now, it is not the only factor in my weight gain but I will certainly name it as a contributor.

There is a shame that comes with loneliness.  An article published by CBC in January of this year, in which they spoke with several Canadians and one of the common factors was the idea that they could not openly talk about it with friends and loved ones.

 Loneliness does not come from having no one around you, but being unable to communicate the things that are important to you. ~ Carl Jung

Comments like “How can you claim to be lonely when you are so social, so busy?” ignore the fact that being social or busy does not mean you are actually connecting. I have found this to be the key in coping with my loneliness.  It is not easy but I have realized that I need to reach out to those connections.

This week’s teacup picture is by Ann Marie MacLean (macannie.pb.online)

Doreen here…

I want to chime in on the idea of being social but not connecting. I spent the majority of my high school years very involved in my school and community. At the time, I was hiding from the changing realities of my personal life. I was extremely busy yet those proved to be the loneliest years of my life.

I remember meeting a friend from high school and he mentioned how I was one of the ones that knew everyone. The reality however, is that I would often eat my lunch in the bathroom because I did not have people that I connected with. It took some serious reflection and some great therapists to help me learn to connect and to make meaningful relationships.

One of the things that Deb and I have often spoke about together is the need to understand our value and the importance of reaching out to friends and family. The need to develop those connections. We all need to develop strategies to help us reach out to friends instead of hiding from them. It is important not to be drawn in the “my life is rosey on social media” and reach out to those people that enrich your life.