Uncomfortable conversations with a friend from another perspective.
My name is Nikel Rogers-Wood and I am the Black woman with whom Doreen had that uncomfortable conversation. I’ve known Doreen for a long time – ever since our daughters, who have the same name, became besties at daycare. Besides having great taste in first names, Doreen and I have a number of things in common – education, exposure to working in academia, and some overlapping worldviews. I like Doreen very much and we have spent hours talking over the years. We have never talked about race. Not once.
Although I have experienced struggles related to how I am perceived based on my race and how I feel about myself, I do not often make mention of these challenges out loud. If I do talk about it, it is typically with a family member or someone of Color. These feelings and experiences are uncomfortable and challenging for me to work through and because many of these experiences don’t apply to my White friends, I don’t bring them up.
Recently, someone I knew in college made a post on social media saying that if a Black person has never discussed race with a White friend, then they aren’t really friends. That post sat with me, making me very uncomfortable, because I had to admit that I don’t discuss race with my White friends very often. It’s so rare that I can count it on one hand. Soon after that post, George Floyd was murdered and the protests began in the United States. After that, there was silence from most of my White friends and the silence was deafening.
The death of George Floyd in close proximity to Amy Cooper threatening Christian Cooper (no relation) with the police while he was bird watching and asked her to leash her dog was a much too vivid illustration of the profound lack of respect afforded Black people in the United States. Although we, as Black people often step over and around these experiences, it makes them no less difficult and demoralizing. That is why, when the protests started, I knew that it was important to start talking and to change the conversation. The silence from many of my White friends was so loud because I didn’t know what they thought. I didn’t know if they supported the need for change. Lastly, in a time when I felt so exposed, I didn’t know if they were going to turn away from me and others who look like me.
Then my friend Doreen called. I remember her discomfort in calling. She said that she wasn’t sure what to say, if she should call, or if the fact that she was calling was offensive or bothersome. Hearing her struggle with her words, fearing that I would dismiss her as being out of line, and doing it anyway touched me profoundly. Her action showed me that I mattered to Doreen enough for her to step far beyond her comfort zone. I told her that her call meant that she saw me and that makes a huge difference. We spoke for an hour. Out came the things that I don’t talk about – concerns about hair, being invisible, the experience of microaggressions, and ideas on how to interrupt racist behavior.
I learned so much from that conversation. While we talked Doreen often said that she had no idea that any of those things was part of my experience. I realized that she had no idea, in part, because I didn’t say anything. In so doing I had kept the myth of “everything is fine” alive. I also learned that, for some, silence came from not knowing what to say and being embarrassed that they haven’t yet said anything. Since Doreen stepped forward to brave a tough conversation, many more of my friends have independently done the same.
Doreen and I have agreed to talk more openly with each other. We have both also moved to keep conversations going with other friends, family, and on social media and blogs. This is a conversation worthy of any platform we have. Because conversations on race are new to many people, I would encourage you to learn about the experience of individuals from different racial/ethnic groups. Not only their current experience, but the historical underpinnings that lead to our current situation. Also, here are a couple of definitions to get you started:
Privilege is not the same as wealth, fame, or popularity. It is about the ease with which you move through the world. The trick is that because it is your "normal," it doesn't even occur to you that others have to jump hurdles just to get to where you were when you woke up this morning. This can be everything from how you are treated at a restaurant, to what towns you feel comfortable visiting, to the kinds of assumptions made about your motives when you do something that seems a bit odd.
Being offended is not the same as being oppressed. We can be offended when someone says or does something we don't like/don't approve of, but that does not necessarily mean that we are being blocked from our right to "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." Oppression includes not only overt attempts to prevent an individual or group from receiving the rights to which they are entitled as human beings, but also the system of laws, rules, policies, etc. that were created to prevent individuals and groups of individuals from living well or advancing. For example, welcoming female applicants for a job, but putting in the fine print that anyone who might ever think about, wish to be, or actually become pregnant is disqualified.
I loved the challenge Doreen made to readers in her blog. She suggested they pick a quote, video, or article that resonates with them and moves them to action. She then asked that they revisit that quote, video, or article in 3 months and then again in 1 year. I’d like to add a layer to that challenge. After you’ve chosen your quote, video, or article, think about what you are moved to do. How would you like to disrupt the cycle of racism? Nothing is too big or too small. Then, in 3 months and again in 1 year, reflect on your pledge to live differently. Did you follow through? If so, how can you take the next step? If not, what do you think got in your way and how can you do the work to overcome that obstacle? Remember, it’s never too late to grapple with the obstacles to change and to begin doing things differently.
To echo my dear friend, “This cannot be just another big thing – it needs to be a permanent intentional change. Let’s be better, let’s do better.”