The North Shore Hammer
We have a friend who is an extremely talented photographer. Her ability to capture emotion through photography is wonderful. She also sees the human/place connection in a way very few can.
In July we had a “family” photo session with her. I knew that Doreen wanted a few photos of her and me, along with my niece and me. I was more than reluctant to participate as I hate having my photo taken and when the day arrived I said to Doreen, “I am sorry but I am not going to do this”. She understood and said she wouldn’t pressure me.
Enter Ryan, who made it very clear she had come all the way to Whycocomagh to capture the MacAulay Sisters and I had no choice. You have to know Ryan, she has the most wonderful sense of humor and she threatened to use her North Shore Hammer (pointy elbow to the rest of you). You have to realize she is about the gentlest person you will ever meet, but she found a way to make me laugh and put me at ease. So, not even having had a shower that day, which was all part of my strategy to not be in the photos, I threw on some glad-rags, ran a brush through my hair and think I managed a little mascara.
Before I knew it I had Emily up in my arms and we were laughing and joking. I know that I am always going to treasure that photo. Her time as a little one I can hold in my arms is fleeting, even as an auntie I know how precious this time is. Now I will have a record of that day, of Emily’s sloppy kisses and her happy laugh, something that no amount of money can buy.
Photo courtesy of Ryan MacDonald Photography @ryanmacdonaldphoto
After we finished it started me thinking about why I hate having my picture taken so much. Well like most people it is because, I don’t like the way I look. I have struggled with my weight for the majority of my life and I have let myself think that makes me less.
We have talked of this in other posts, and I don’t want to go all “it’s my parents fault”, but that does have a role to play. I have been on diets for decades and as a result have a pretty unhealthy relationship with food and my own body. I am working with my therapist to try and change that. The first thing I need to do is be a little kinder with myself, but it is not easy when the world conditions you to think that being fat means there is something wrong with you.
There is nothing wrong with me. Do I want to lose weight? Yes, but for the first time in my life it is because I want to be fit and healthy. I have said that was the reason for many years but down deep I knew it was because I was embarrassed to be a size 16/18 when I really wanted to be a 10 (at least there was some realistic thinking …..I do not need to be a size 2). But I was shaming myself and in that shame I was making the problem worse.
I have talked about putting myself on the sidelines of dating and I remember talking to my therapist about this. I had said to her, I just want to lose a little weight first….you know to feel better about myself. She came back with the challenge. Why wouldn’t you want to find someone now, do you really think you need to be thinner to find the right person? It was a bit of a slap, but one that I needed.
I may never be that size 10 but that is not the point, the point is I want a healthy body. Part of getting that healthy body will be to love myself for who I am, be willing to both push myself and be kind in the right measure. What I want more than anything is to not shy away from the camera, to never fail to capture those precious moment.
Photo courtesy of Ryan MacDonald Photography @ryanmacdonaldphoto ryanmacdonaldphotography.com