Transitions

We experienced a number of changes in the past year. Some were wanted, some were needed and others were harder to experience. Among those changes, it was difficult to see our Grandmother moved from assisted living to a full care facility. Then hard too was seeing her home prepared for sale. Our Grandmother’s home had been where most of the MacAulay family gatherings took place. Seeing her move into a full care facility solidified the fact that she was not coming back to her home. That moment when you realize things have really changed is formidable.

Deb and I talked a lot about Grandmother’s transition - before it happened, while it was happening and since it happened. Throughout our discussions, we were reminded, again and again, we have no control over how the people we love will react to the world around them. Our experiences as individuals are so very different from one another.  We must try to not judge how others react or behave in new and challenging situations. Even if we are experiencing the situations together, our individual lived experiences, our beliefs/values and our knowledge shape our perspective. The only thing that we know we can control is how we react, what we learn from others and how we will try to handle similar situations in our own future.

With that perspective in mind, Deb and I agreed that there are at least four major takeaways from observing our Grandmother’s transition that we hope will help our loved ones and us in the future.

Love them while you can.

Anyone that has lost anyone to death or dementia will tell you the value of today. The value of embracing the time that you have with people. Recently, Deb and I both had the pleasure of spending time with one of our younger cousins. While she was at my house, we pulled out a book I had given my grandmother about eight years ago, prior to any significant memory loss. I had asked a series of questions and my grandmother shared tales her childhood, my father’s childhood and of life in general. We realize how valuable that book is. Our Grandmother is still living but we couldn’t have made that book now. Having these stories and memories resulted from taking the time to love her the best way I could while I could. In doing that we have a treasure of memories to hold on to.

Find ways to meet them.

The transition into a full care facility came because of our Grandmother’s health. Her memory has been failing. She started mistaking her loved ones for people from her younger days. The first time she called me Aunt Tina, it was difficult to know what to say to her. In talking about her care, one of the great people at her assisted living facility told me that you just have to talk with her. You do not have to correct her, just be there. He was right. It did not matter who she thought I was, as long as I asked questions and kept talking to her, we were able to spend time together. I am not saying it was easy but finding a way to meet her in her current mindset helped. I heard some new and some old stories about her life. Sure, she would repeat herself, but that did not matter. She was happy and I was happy to be able to share some time with her.

Let go without guilt.

We were not capable to provide the care that she needed. A guilt comes with that. The thing we had to realize though was that the trained professionals she is in the care of are far more capable of keeping her healthy and happy than we ever would have been. Even if we did live closer to home, we still would not have been able to help. She is safe, healthy and that makes visiting her all the more enjoyable.

We are all going to be there.

Someday we are all going to be in the same position. The ones that we love are going to have to make hard decisions about what is next for us… or do they? Deb and often joke with our framily (Friends that are like family) that we will all live in the same condo building or perhaps get little houses next to each other when we age. After what we have experienced this past year, we hope we will be strong enough to walk into our transitions. I cannot be sure how I will react once my time comes. What I can do is remind myself that transitions are never easy. That even though they are hard, if one plan for them instead of having them happen to you, you can own the results.

To close I would like to say that although this summer was hard, it was also filled with joy. The joy in knowing that our Grandmother was in great hands. She is being cared for by people that are kind, caring and knowledgeable. If you are someone that works in such a facility or knows someone that does, please know or be sure to tell them how important they are to our society. They are the shepherds of our last years.

ED. Missie Brown

Our Grandparents.